Cinema Wars part 1
by bristlefur
Summary: The Dark Forest has gone crazy, sending movies so terrible to StarClan that they may have to eat their own eyeballs to stay alive! StarClan, determined to win, has appointed a group of determined movie critics to defend themselves. Will they stay alive?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! This… *makes a sweeping gesture* is my story! Ima try to make this one half and half adventure and parody! So… please enjoy BLOCKBUSTER WARS! **

**Disclaimer: I do own **_**Soulkeeper **_**and any other movie I may mention in this chapter. And, sadly, I do not own Warriors, or any of the characters in this. However, I do own Superawesomestar.**

The brush quivered as a cat dashed through it. It yowled at the top of its lungs, "HELP! HELP!" Bluestar tried to block its path, but the cat just knocked her aside into a giant bowl of ice cream. Yellowfang lassoed the cat and pulled her into an interrogation chair. The cat turned rabid and melted the chains they had chained her in with her acid drool. It took out a bazooka and trained it at the StarClan cats.

Bluestar stepped out. "Easy now… um who the heck are you?" The cat hissed and refused to answer. Yellowfang stepped forward. "Now you listen to me, you're going to answer me and YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT! WHO ARE YOU!?" The cat stared for a little bit. "My name is Superawesomestar," it finally said.

Yellowfang stared. "Ummm… okay. Why are you here?" She asked. Superawesomestar started panicking again, and said, "The Dark Forest cats! They've breached our defenses and sent us BAD MOVIES!" Yellowfang glanced at Bluestar, and they _mrrowwed _in amusement. "They're just movies," Bluestar said, "how bad can they be?" Superawesomestar hissed. "See for yourself!" she took out a copy of _Soulkeeper _and handed it to the StarClan cats. Bluestar examined it.

"Well, granted, the title _is _terrible, but it can't be that bad, can it?"

"See for yourself!" Superawesomestar repeated.

Two hours later, all the clans could hear a scream of agony come from the sky, and several minutes later, a movie fell from the sky.

Fireheart came and picked it up. "_Soulkeeper,_" he read out loud. The cats crowded around him to see.

A few minutes later, the cats were ready to put it in the DVD player, when a "NOOOOO!!!" came caterwauling from the sky, and a StarClan cat descended. It swiped the movie an instant before it started playing.

"Bluestar! What the heck do you think you're doing?" Fireheart asked, a bit flustered. Bluestar fluffed out her fur indignantly. "If you watched that movie, you would have brought about your own doom," she said mysteriously. Then she conjured a fire out of nowhere and burned the movie. Fireheart blinked.

Bluestar hissed, "Come with me." Then she led Fireheart into StarClan.

"Now I suppose you're wondering why you're here," Bluestar said curtly to Fireheart. Fireheart shrugged. "I s'pose it was because you told me to come with you," he guessed. Bluestar slapped a paw to her face. "No! Well, actually yes, but that's only part of the reason," she said. "The true reason is because-."

"Hang on a minute," Fireheart interrupted. "You said that calling me here was part of the reason, but then you said there was a true reason. What's the true reason then?" he asked. Bluestar considered frying Fireheart with a bolt of lightning.

"I mean the bigger reason-." She began, but Fireheart interrupted her again with another pointless argument. "OKAY FINE! THERE ARE TWO REASONS! JUST SHUT YOUR TRAP!" She finally screamed at him after many arguments, making an earthquake happen in the clans below.

Dustpelt looked up. "What's going on?" Ferncloud asked. "I'd wager that Fireheart is annoying the crap out of Bluestar." Sure enough, Fireheart went flying out of the sky and landed on Daisy.

Crawling out of the smoking crater that had become Daisy, he relayed Bluestar's message to the Clan. "Bluestar wants us to become movie critics?" asked Dustpelt, shocked to his very core.

**I know, not that funny, but I had to get into the swing of things, ya know? Anyways, the next chapters are going to be WAY funnier than this, so don't lose all hope! In the meantime, review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys! I know I screwed up last chappy in the Author's Note at the beginning. I meant CINEMA wars, not BLOCKBUSTER wars. So, if you forgive me, I'll start on the first movie! And, as you can see, I messed around with the timeline a little bit. Bluestar is dead, Fireheart is still Fireheart, and Daisy is in ThunderClan already! **

Bluestar led the cats into the movie theater, where she gestured grandly towards the seats. Fireheart was the first to sit down. The rest followed gradually and sat down near the front and back rows. Bluestar soon addressed them.

"As you can see, you are in a movie theater," she began, drawing gasps of shock and amazement from the crowd. "This is where the Dark Forest will focus most of their efforts. So sit back, relax, and we'll send the first movie!" she said, and began the long process of leaving. "Wait!" Dustpelt cried out. She sighed. She knew it would be someone.

But it was Fireheart who asked the question; "What do you have to eat?" Bluestar snapped her non-existent finger, and giant, and I truly mean giant, French fries fell from the ceiling. One was the length of the screen, and the smallest ones were the size of Fireheart. Bluestar left before any more questions could arise.

The screen flickered to life and began the movie.

_A small business room appeared. In it were two people. One was a man with a beard, and one was a woman. _

Fireheart said, "Geez Santa Clause, shouldn't you be in the North Pole?"

Dustpelt- "Ughh. Is that a tick in his beard, or is it just that man?"

Ravenpaw- wait a minute, when did he get here?

"CUT! CUT! WE HAVE AN INTERRUPTION!" Bluestar was forced rudely from her relaxing sauna and called down to the cat's movie theater. A black cat with a white tail tip was sitting in the seat next to Graystripe. Bluestar said, "Ravenpaw, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Ravenpaw shrugged. "I thought you might need some help with the movies." Bluestar couldn't argue with that. "Okay, fine, but I'M WATCHING YOU!" Then she left in an explosion of purple smoke.

_The man and the woman started dancing…_

Fireheart- "You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around…"

Dustpelt- *in gruff voice* "Careful lady, if you get too close you'll turn into an elf!"

Ravenpaw- "When did business meetings turn pleasant? Not now, anyways."

Daisy- OH FOR PETE'S SAKE! *interruption, Bluestar turns Daisy into a wilting flower, resume movie*

_More people enter _

Fireheart- "Aw geez, caught red-handed! You better stop our hip rehabilitation program."

_They get around a board and discuss business. _

"_If we don't stop this direct influence of the other companies, we could lose our jobs!" cries one of the staff. _

Fireheart- "Sounds serious. Let's discuss this over a cup of hot tea."

Dustpelt- *in gruff voice* "No, we weren't dancing, just preparing for this incredibly interesting board meeting. Could you leave so we can prepare some more?"

Ravenpaw- "I know! Let's nuke the other companies and forget this ever happened."

Brakenfur- "Well, stop this direct influence of other companies then, and make a life for yourself!"

"_We have to do something!" cries another staff member._

Fireheart- "Gosh, I wonder what the solution to THIS problem could possibly be?"

Ravenpaw- "You know, I always wondered what goes on behind the scenes of my favorite soda company. Now I know. I'll never drink soda again."

_The scene changes and someone is filling a cone-cup thing with water. He turns around…_

Fireheart- "And he sees his horrible reflection in the mirror and has a heart attack."

Ravenpaw- "Such unreliable service these days. Can't they have regular _cups?_"

_A man in a hooded cloak appears behind him. The man gasps and scrambles backwards. The cloaked man places a hand on the other man's chest, and sucks out something green from his chest. _

Fireheart- "Why thank you, now my mucus problem is gone!"

Ravenpaw- "Say, isn't this _Soulkeeper_?"

Graystripe- "Hey, I think you're right!"

_The man goes limp and falls to the ground. The cloaked person turns around and walks away. _

Fireheart- "SHRIEK! IT CAN'T BE!

Ravenpaw- "BUT IT IS!

Dustpelt- "IT'S…

_DAISY appeared on the screen! _

Duspelt- "HOLY CRAP!"

Graystripe- " MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL, VICOUSLY AWESOME EYES!"

Fireheart- "For Bluestar's sake, we must suffer through this."

And so they did. They suffered through every minute, every second, every moment of Daisy's appearance. In fact, Daisy's appearance took up the whole rest of the movie. By the end, when the Soulkeeper was defeated and happily ever after blah, blah, blah, the cats were writhing on the floor in pain. Bluestar appeared suddenly and congratulated them for surviving.

"Why, Bluestar, why?" wailed Fireheart. Bluestar sighed. "It was now or later. The Dark Forest made it so that if we didn't watch the movies, they would sue us for all we have and have legal entitlement to cross over the border between us."

"I think he means why did Daisy appear?" Dustpelt corrected. Bluestar frowned. "Oh. Well, that's still a mystery."

Meanwhile, the Dark Forest cats were laughing so hard that they had to keep putting their eyeballs back in their heads.

Brokenstar, laughing, went up to congratulate Darkstripe for coming up with the idea. Tigerstar had failed epically at too many schemes to be trusted now, so they asked Darkstripe instead.

Meanwhile, up in StarClan, the cats were shaking their heads at such a tragedy. Redtail somberly went up to the seeing pool and watched as Bluestar explained about the Dark Forest's plan to take over the world and a few handy tips on how to survive.

The Dark Forest tried to shove Redtail in the pool and when that didn't work, they tee-peed his den.

And the whole time, they were laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Guys, really? Three reviews? I expected more out of you! *shakes finger* So, I'm gonna keep writing because I love this story. Okay? Or do I have to call Lionblaze, my body guard? **

**Lionblaze: *in deep voice* They giving you any trouble? **

**Me: No. You can leave. **

**Lionblaze: Okay. *Leaves and beats up helpless kittypets***

**Me: I do not own Warriors, and sorry to all of those who like *unimaginable!* Daisy. She's just so much fun to poke fun at! **

The Dark Forest cats had concocted a plan. They would get Daisy into all of their movies, and the "movie critics" would all die from prolonged exposure to Daisy.

Brokenstar called some of his best cats over to him, and he explained his plan to kidnap Daisy and tell her that they wanted her to star in their movies.

"You'll be needing these," he said, handing them some goggles, gloves, and a gasmask. Then the cats set out on their mission.

When they arrived at Daisy's home, the nursery, they stole in and encountered Lionblaze. They all gasped. Lionblaze eyed them evilly. "Going somewhere, boys?" he asked in his deep, booming voice. One of the cats stuttered, "W-we were j-j-just l-looking for D-D-Daisy." Lionblaze stared. "Are you going to kidnap her?" he asked. The cats looked at each other. "Yes," admitted one. There was something about Lionblaze that made you tell the truth.

But Lionblaze just stepped aside. "Be my guest," he said. The cats looked at him, fearing a trap, but Lionblaze seemed genuine. Then, one by one, they stepped inside. They came out with the sleeping Daisy tied to a stick. Lionblaze looked away, holding his breath, and they left the camp.

Somewhere along the line, one stumbled and Daisy's paw caught his fur.

His shrieks of pain could be heard all around the lake, and when warriors came to investigate, all they saw was a pile of bones and the distinct smell of acid.

Back in the Dark Forest, the cats greeted Daisy behind their gasmasks. Daisy looked confused, but when they explained about how she was going to star in a movie, she was very happy. It was a tragedy, but it must be done.

Meanwhile, the esteemed movie critics were taking their seats. "No!" Bluestar shouted at them. "You are not esteemed! Nobody even knows what you're doing!" The esteemed-

Bluestar, upon hearing this comment, stormed up to confront the author on why they WEREN'T esteemed. The Dark Forest sent their next movie, and the movie began.

_Two tall men stood on the threshold. In front of them was a desk with a man reading a book. _

Fireheart- "You don't happen to have any garlic, do you?"

Ravenpaw- "Don't come in. I'm not working. Come later, when I am."

Graystripe- "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…"

Dustpelt- *in Count Dracula voice* "We have come to suck. Period."

_The man glanced up, seeming to just notice them. _

Fireheart- "Oh, sorry to have kept you waiting for five hours. Come in after another five."

Ravenpaw- "Just married."

Graystripe- "Uh oh, here comes Daisy."

_Sure enough, Daisy walked in next to the man. _

Fireheart- "Don't worry. We can take it this time."

Ravenpaw- "Quick, improvise!"

The cats quickly put their anti-Daisy paper up against the wall, so that they couldn't see Daisy.

Fireheart- "Good work! Back to criticizing."

_The men walked in and watched the man at the desk _

Ravenpaw- "*in Bugs Bunny voice* Hey. Watcha doin'? Oh. I see.

Dustpelt- "No no. The Queen of Hearts goes on the King of Spades.

_Daisy walked out from behind the paper. _

Fireheart- "Ackk! MY EYES!"

Ravenpaw- "NOOOOO!"

Graystripe- "IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE! RUN EYERYONE, RUN!"

Longtail- "I'M BLIND!"

Fireheart- "For one, you already are blind. Second, GET OUT!"

Longtail slunk dejectedly out. Bluestar poofed in out of nowhere and was about to shoot a flaming arrow through where Daisy was, but a Dark Forest lawyer poofed in and showed her the details of the contract. "Dangit!!" shouted Bluestar as she read the part about not interfering with the screen.

"Why'd I even sign this!?" Bluestar shouted. "You didn't," corrected the lawyer, poofing out. Bluestar swore and left.

The movie ran on, showing Daisy in the rest of the scenes. Whimpering, Graystripe hugged his teddy bear only to find out it was Ravenpaw. Dustpelt started crying and Ravenpaw was being hugged by Graystripe. Fireheart gnawed eagerly on the snacks Bluestar left while trying his best to not look at Daisy. The whole time, Daisy was very happy. Ughh.

The movie ended. Wiping the tears out of their eyes, they stepped out into the sun. Dustpelt fell over and died. Fireheart glanced at him sadly. "It's the beginning of the end," he whispered.

**So, was it good? Bad? A horrid mixture of them both? I don't think this was as funny as the last chapter, so bear with me, mmkay? **

**Lionblaze: READ! **

**Graystripe: AND! **

**Bluestar: REVIEW! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Yay! Winter Break is finally here! I think I went out on straight A's, too. (: Anyway, let's get on with this chapter! **

**Tigerstar: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock… **

**Yeah, that's great Tigerstar… please enjoy the story! Gawd, I got to get better at these openings… **

Tigerstar moped forlornly, staring at the world below. Why hadn't they chosen him to defeat StarClan? He had a great idea involving pie…

All of a sudden, a giant monster came and snatched him, pulling him into StarClan. Tigerstar didn't care. All he wanted was to be noticed. And, of course, get the girl of his dreams, settle down with lots of money, and found Tigerstar Incorporated. He didn't notice when the monster dumped into a strange movie theater with Bluestar staring at him. He didn't notice when he tried to make him notice her. He didn't notice when she started banging his head on a rock. He did notice when Bluestar got Daisy to rub against him.

Screeching in agony, he jumped up and tried to put out the flames that now consumed him. He hopped around in a funny dance that drew all the StarClan cats to the sight to laugh and buy refreshments. Eventually he put out the flames, and he, blackened and exhausted, sat down and watched as the StarClan cats, disappointed, left. He was too unnoticed to acknowledge Bluestar, so what she told him went in one ear and out the other. Only when she screeched did he notice her.

Bluestar slapped him. "Look, I just asked you if you join our group of movie critics." Tigerstar, starting to wake up, told her, "I can't betray the Dark Forest. That would be… well… betrayal! I can't just- hey, what's that?" Bluestar snickered. "Why, that would be bacon, Tigerstar. And, guess what, it's all yours IF you join our group." The two cats stared at each other for a while, even though Tigerstar had made up his mind as soon as she said "if".

Two hours later, Bluestar led the cats into the movie theater. Tigerstar sat next to Ravenpaw, who looked uncomfortable. Then Tigerstar licked Ravenpaw and smacked his lips. "You need more shampoo," Tigerstar told him. Then he took his popcorn and readied himself for the movie.

_The title appears on the screen for 6 seconds. _

Fireheart- "Gosh, people read slowly back then."

Ravenpaw- "You know- Tigerstar, I don't think the popcorn's going to come to life…"

Graystripe- "Dude, chillax, it's not going to eat you, I think it's the other way around…"

_Daisy appeared on the screen and nobody noticed… _

Ravenpaw- "Tigerstar, _stop licking me. _I used plenty of shampoo this morning- it was lemon scented, too."

Fireheart- "Tigerstar, Ravenpaw is _not _going to groom you… what? No! I'm not going to do THAT!"

Tigerstar- "I have knots, okay?"

Graystripe- "This isn't going good…"

Longtail- *is kicked out*

Blackstar- "Waddle waddle waddle…"

Fireheart- "Random…"

They argued until the movie was over, and even then they argued.

Fireheart- "No Tigerstar, I would not appreciate a better attitude for Christmas!"

Graystripe- "WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP! I'M SICK OF THIS!"

Tigerstar- "Take a chill pill, man…"

Graystripe- "No, Tigerstar, _you _take a chill pill, because I am COMPLETELY FINE!"

Ravenpaw was desperately scrubbing down with shampoo (Tigerstar's comments had gotten to his head), Fireheart was twitching uncontrollably, and Graystripe and Tigerstar had knocked each other out when Bluestar arrived.

She snickered. Her plan was working!

Then she fled when Fireheart started approaching her in a very not-domestic way…

**Haha! Umm… yeah I don't really have much to say. Oh, extra points to whoever can figure out Tigerstar's plan to take over StarClan (see top) and Bluestar's mysterious plan… all will be explained in the viciously awesome FUTURE CHAPTER! I won't tell you which one it is. MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Oh, and sorry this was so short… no excuse. **


	5. Chapter 5

**OMG I'm so sorry this took so long! Unless you guys are cheering that this story might be discontinued… you can never tell. So, to all the people who like my stories, congrats! To all the people who don't, EAT THIS! *throws pie* **

**Btw, I just had a completely random thought! Since the first leader of the clans were called by the name of their clans (Thunderstar, Windstar, ect. For those of you who are confused ****), wouldn't the first leader of Starclan be Starstar? XD okay, enough of my ramblings, on with the story! **

The Starclan cats gathered together for a meeting. "Obviously we can't let the Dark Forest win," some cat obviously said.

"Obviously," some other cat snorted. "I like saying obviously!" some cat piped up. "Yes, it is very stimulating isn't it?" said another. "Stimulating is even more fun to say!" said the same cat who said that he liked saying obviously. The cats picked up into a chant of "obviously" and "stimulating" and "obviously stimulating" until a deep cough came from somewhere in the middle.

All the cats gasped. The crowd parted, and… it was just some weird cat. The cats exhaled. They thought it was someone important. The weird cat glared around at them… and, in a burst of flame, he turned into Thunder, the cat who started Thunderclan. We think. It's never been confirmed.

"The clans are in discord," he rumbled. "Soon the Dark forest will begin their charge." Bluestar had stepped forward to greet him, but then she growled. "We cannot think like that," she said. Thunder glanced around. "The Dark Forest has placed a spy into the group, and already he is making trouble. They must stay together, or fall."

The day was nice. The sky was robin egg blue, and a few scraggly clouds floated lazily across the sky.

Or, at least it was in Fireheart's daydream. In reality, it was pouring down raining and the sky was as dark as… something black.

Miserably, he reclined in the movie theater seat as he waited with his colleagues for the movie. Tigerstar was being as annoying as usual, and all the cats were soaking wet from their walk to the theater. Riots were breaking out in the back and front rows, and Ravenpaw and Graystripe were locked in a never ending rock-paper-scissors game. So far Graystripe was ahead with 576 points, but Ravenpaw was fast catching up with 524 points.

Fireheart had all but fallen asleep by the time something happened. Lightning split the air inside the theater and hit Graystripe and Ravenpaw, ending their game. "I win," Graystripe said without diverting his eyes from Ravenpaw. "Rematch," Ravenpaw said before they fell to the ground.

Bluestar appeared, her fur frayed and a wild look in her eyes. It was clear that the war was taking its toll. "The next movie is here," she hissed at anyone who would listen. Tottering slightly, she vanished with a crack. The number thing appeared on the screen, and the movie began.

_The camera moved around, following a man with shoulder length hair. _

Fireheart: And a whole lost civilization lives in his hair.

Graystripe: Hey, who's following me? Oh no, it's just my hair.

Ravenpaw: What, no opening? Let's just call this one Hairy.

_The man walks into a building, and the view changes. He is inside the building. It is a barbers shop. _

Fireheart: THANK GOD! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS FOR YEARS!

Graystripe: Sorry sir, it's a bit late to cancel.

Tigerstar: Hey Graystripe, do you have any extra gum?

Graystripe: (is chewing a humongous piece of gum) nope.

Tigerstar: Aww.

_The man casually walks up to the counter, takes out a knife, and stabs the man in charge. _

Fireheart: And THAT'S for not giving me a hair cut.

Graystripe: Some fast paced action, long hair and an apparently delusional director combine to make this movie a -5 star.

_The title appears on the screen. _

Ravenpaw: Geez, a bit late don't you think?

Fireheart: Maybe that was the prologue. OR WAS IT?!

_The man turns around… and hurls a knife into the screen. _

Ravenpaw: IT'S 3-D!

Graystripe: IT'S A BAD HORROR MOVIE!

Fireheart: IT'S A BAD HORROR MOVIE IN 3-D!

The crowd screamed. A few had heart attacks. The StarClan police were called. After a few moments where chaos reigned, the crowd calmed down/ was restrained and they settled down to watch the rest of the movie.

To save you an hour or so, the movie was a gruesome and violent one, and the crowd flinched whenever a dangerous weapon came rocketing out of the screen.

Eventually, the movie ended, and the cats, exhausted, trudged through the rain to their dens. The dead bodies were cleared up. The general morale was terrible. Any watching StarClan cats were shaking their heads in defeat. You know, the same.

The Dark Forest cats were getting impatient. Shouldn't everybody be dead by now?

"We need to hurry up, or we won't have any movies left for StarClan!" some cat hissed in impatience. The mysterious leader of the Dark Forest glanced around.

"He's right," he/she said to Darkstripe, who was sitting next to him/her. "We can't wait for much longer." Darkstripe nodded. "It won't be much longer," he promised.

The leader nodded. "I hope, for your sake, you're right."

**DUN DUN DUN!! The plot's starting to pick up! Who would've thought? And only I know who the leader of the Dark Forest is… **

**You'll never guess! Mwahhhahahahah! So… yeah… see ya next chapter! **

**  
Again, real sorry 'bout the long wait!**


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